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broken ashley doll

falling apart since 1982

September 1st, 2004

(no subject) @ 01:07 pm

one more public post. hardly anyone commented on the last one so ill post this. if you want to remain on my friends list (i havent dont cuts yet) then comment here. i will be doing cuts and i am friends only now.

August 30th, 2004

(no subject) @ 06:13 pm

alright my pathetic minions *cough* i mean...my devoted friends and readers. i have decided to start a cult. you know you want to be in it. so give me all your money.

...wait, let me start over so i can con you better...

i am making my journal friends only. this is my last public post. so post here and tell me why i can trust you, why you read my journal, why you love me or why i should love you, and any other interesting thing that will make me want you around. i will be doin friend cuts. so comment here, comment now, before its too late.

party like its the last night on earth @ 04:09 pm

Current Mood: crappy crappy

well friday...lucas and i went to a party. it was at dallas's place. my friend dallas, not his. and i saw dallas. and i saw aurora, and i saw owen, and i saw sarah. actually got to tlak to sarah, which is rare. she was telling funny stories. she said if i call her she really will go to coffee with me. if i had a nickel for every time shes told me something like that id be rich, but she says she really means it this time. so ill give it a try.

but there was another aspect to this party. micah and hazel were there. i was so nervous about this, i really was. id been ok while hed been gone. id been getting used to not having him in my life. id been ok. well, i met hazel. she seemed nice, she seemed shy. i felt bad for her, in a house full of lous strange people that she didnt know. i wanted to help her, but i didnt want to push. and then there was micah. talked for a second. it seemed ok, akward but not terrible. lucas was hidin out in his car for awhile, but ended up sitting outside on the steps, and eventually talking to hazel. at one point i went back down to the basement where owen was. and i danced with dallas. and it felt good to dance. and i was having fun. but then i made a mistake. i tried to get micah to dance, he was standing in the corner. he didnt want to go out there. i tried to talk to him. and hes like why are you talkin to me? and i couldnt explain it. id been fine with him gone until he was there. then i was just all fucked up inside. and i wanted to talk to him. i wanted things to be ok. i wanted to be able to talk to him. he was the one who decided no tlaking, not me. and i started to scratch on my arms and face with my nails. i felt my skin burning. and i felt the pain seepin in, drowning everything inside me, not the pain from my nails, but the pain from the situation. he was so cold to me. and i couldnt handle it. an he made a fucking joke about my hurting myself. and we tlaked for another minute, then i hugged him. and even though hed been acting that way he squeezed onto me so tight and i knew he wasnt doin it just for me. and i thought maybe he doesn miss me too. and then i let go and i started digging into my face hardcore with my nails. i have a little scab on my face still and the next day i had broken blood vessels on my arms a little. and i ran upstairs. and i looked at sarah from outside her room and she pulled me in. she hugged me and looked at my scratches and talked to me and kept me in the calm room and took care of me. it had been a long itme since shed done that. she still makes me feel safe though. and lucas came into the room eventually. and after a bit we left. i said goodbye to everyone but micah.

lucas asked me about the cutting, if id done it in front of micah for a reason. and we talked. and a lot of it was cuz i was just hurting so much but i didnt want to walk away yet, and i knew that there in the basement i could get away with hurting myself. but i know part of it was that he was there. he used to care when i did it. he used to stop me. i guess i wanted him to know i was hurting. and i wanted him to care still. i didnt want him to be cold to me. i wanted to know he still cares. im not ready for him not to love me. but he didnt care. he just made fun of me. he doesnt care anymore. i could tell by the way he acted with me. and im all messed up in the head now. seeing him just scrammbled my brain all over again. but i need to learn how to deal with it if i want to go to parties and stuff. i need to learn to deal with this. i got along better wiht hazel than with micah. i dont know what to think anymore.

puppy love @ 03:52 pm

on saturday lucas and i slept in. then we went to his moms place. they had a new puppy. a wheaton. its a girl, 8 weeks old, named zoe. sooooo cute. she growled at this annoyin little yippy dog and she played with this other puppy next door. lucas's parents also have another dog, jazz. he was getting a bit too friendly with the other puppy. apparently he loves the cock. and they love their big gay dog. hehe.

then we dropped by my moms place. talked to her. turns out she was hung over and had spent the weekend smoking pot with an old friend. lovely. thats my mom, the state worker. oh, and along the lines of things ive recently learned about my mom...last time i saw my dad he happened to mention something. we were tlaking about how she had cheated on her first husband. and my dads like yeah, and the guy she cheated with gave her herpes. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! yeah, my mom has had herpes since like the 70's. geebus. i laughed my ass off, but it really is kinda fucked up. its total karma though, considering she got it while cheating. heh.

well lucas and i stayed at my place. then we got up in the morning and headed back to his place. spent a lazy day in bed watching movies and shows on dvd. watched the girl next door, episodes of dead like me, and some invader zim on his computer.

today i went to school to turn in some financial aide papers. also met lucas for lunch. now im sitting here at his place doing not much at all. yay for summer vacation.

August 29th, 2004

(no subject) @ 10:30 pm

1. Comment to this entry with a post you think would be totally out of character for me - something I'd never talk about, never discuss, never say, anything. It has to be completely out of character.

2. Post this in your own journal.

August 27th, 2004

(no subject) @ 04:15 pm

micah and hazel and me and lucas all at a party tonight. should be...cozy. wadda ya guys think, double date? lost a bet with lucas. lost 5 bucks when micah fucked hazel. he knew about teh bet. micah promised id win that bet. whatever. lucas isnt making me pay, converted it into boyfriend points. how many times do i have to tell him that they dont go towards buttsex?!?!

(no subject) @ 02:14 pm

Current Mood: distressed finished

i dont belong anywhere. i never will. i have nothing to say to lucas's friends. im nothing like them. i have nothing to say to my friends. again, im nothing like them. im going to this party tonight. its a joke that im even going. i dont belong there. and ill just cause drama and discomfort. or ill have nothing to say. and ill sit there wondering why i have been friends with these people for the last 4 years and i still feel uncomfortable. i dont think there is any group of people that i could ever connect to or be close to. all i really have is lucas now. and its dangerous and unhealthy to only have one person in your life. but i dont have the energy to go make friends. no one has ever understood me. i think sarah came closest, but we are still worlds apart. i am not one of a kind. i am not a special and unique snowflake. so why cant i relate to anyone? i give up.

August 26th, 2004

(no subject) @ 12:14 pm

Current Mood: worried worried

fred has thrown up 8 times in the last few days. im not sure what to do at this point.

August 25th, 2004

(no subject) @ 07:58 pm

tom smelled like tom. not sure what that means. but id forgotten how he smells. and he called me shatz when i cried. though i doubt he meant to.

(no subject) @ 01:15 pm

and fred just puked again. shit!

broken ashley doll

falling apart since 1982